Feel No More (Feel No Less)
by jennybenny2845
Summary: Rodolphus discovers a letter from Bellatrix. What could she possibly have to say to him?


Written for Hogwarts Assignment #12, Philosophy Task #2. Write about someone being freed from something (figuratively or literally). Contains Cursed Child spoilers.

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 **Feel No More (Feel No Less)**

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Narcissa had been kind enough to allow Rodolphus into the Manor during his weeks on the run after the Final Battle. It helped that the Wizarding World perceived him dead following the Battle of the Seven Potters.

He'd taken a Stunner to the chest, dealt by the steady hand of his niece, and had been knocked off his broom. He still felt the thin strip of wood slipping off his fingertips as he struggled to mount it. The boom had shaken vigorously in the wind, and his wand had slipped from his fingers. He'd tried to hold on, but his muscles had grown weak. And so, he let go, repeating Arresto Momentum over and over again on his descent down.

He'd never believed in luck, but he'd been fortunate that evening. A tree branch had broken his fall, sending him crashing into an elderly Muggle couples' garden. Mr and Mrs Jones had bought the lie he'd concocted and allowed him to stay with them until he'd recovered, oblivious to the criminal they'd willingly housed.

"You remember where it is?" Narcissa inquired, leading him down the winding hallways to his and Bellatrix's rooms.

"Of course," murmured Rodolphus. _How could I forget?_

Rodolphus's brow furrowed, remembering the many nights he'd spent staring Bellatrix's door, tempted to break the damn thing down and demand that he let her in. Unfortunately, his wishes were the last of her concerns, for she'd had a more critical task for the Dark Lord to complete. Bile rose in Rodolphus's throat, unable to shake the image of the Dark Lord's bony fist rapping against Bellatrix's door. The Dark Lord's pale skin illuminated in the moonlight, the light playing off his blue-green veins. Swallowing hard, he reminded himself that those events happened in another lifetime.

"Good. Take as long as you need," answered Narcissa, her soft voice bringing him back to the present.

"Thank you, Narcissa. I realise what risks you've taken allowing me in, and I want you to know that I appreciate your kindness."

Without warning, Narcissa pulled him into a hug warmer than anything he'd ever received from his wife. "It's nothing, Rodolphus," she whispered against the shell of his ear. "I'm glad you survived."

Rodolphus reluctantly removed her arms from him and turned to face Bellatrix's door. Waves of regret washed over him as he stared at the ornate carvings on the wood, his hand involuntarily caressing the spot the Dark Lord had knocked on over and over again a lifetime ago. He pulled back his hand, burned by the painful memories that resurfaced. He pushed aside his feelings and turned the handle.

xxx

The room hadn't changed much since he'd been inside it last. An luxurious four-poster bed sat in the middle of the room. Rodolphus couldn't help but smile at the memory of the nights she'd allow him into her bed. They were few and far between during their marriage and once they'd returned from Azkaban, but he cherished every one. He'd always loved the contrast of her pale skin against the dark sheets.

He strode to the bed and sat on her side. Unable to resist, he buried his face into her pillow, inhaling the seductive scent only she possessed.

Often, he'd have to remind himself that his beloved had passed. It had taken him forever to acknowledge it despite having witnessed it. He'd gotten to the Final Battle in time to see her fall at the Weasley matriarch's hand. He would never forget the surprise written over her face as the curse hit her chest.

He forced himself not to run towards her and shield her body from the curses that commenced once the battle resumed. He'd almost pulled his wand on Weasley, only to draw it back as not to blow his cover.

Sighing, he opened the drawer on her nightstand, unsure of what he'd find. He riffled through her possessions, his fingers colliding with a smooth wood frame. He caressed the familiar edges for he'd had the same frame displayed on his nightstand. He pulled it out, surprised that she'd kept it despite professing her undying hatred of him and their sham of a marriage.

And yet, he loved her. He adored her and hoped that one day, she would feel the same. It amazed him that he held onto that hope even when their marriage had hit its lowest and most painful point. _Pathetic._ _You are pathetic._

He stared at their wedding photograph, unable to take his eyes off her comely face. He fell in love with her again, enthralled by her beauty. She'd always held that power over him. He caressed her face with the pad of his thumb, ignoring the shivers that ran down his spine.

He studied the photograph for what felt like ages, lost in the memories of better days before his dark association ruined his life. He started to return it to its spot when he noticed a sliver of parchment sticking out behind their photograph.

 _Don't get your hopes up_ , Rodolphus reminded himself, trying and failing to suppress his curiosity. He steadied his trembling fingers as he extracted the parchment. His name scrawled across the front in Bellatrix's elegant handwriting shocked him, and his hand flew up to his mouth to contain his cry.

 _What could you possibly have to say, Bella?_ Flickers of hope tickled Rodolphus's chest.

xxx

 _Dear Rodolphus,_

 _So you've outlived me and found this. Good for you, I suppose. You've managed to beat me in something, which deserves recognition._

 _Though for some reason, if we've lost the war, I do not understand why you'd want to be around for what's next. A mixed world where filthy Mudbloods walk amongst us as equals? I'd prefer to die with my wand drawn and a string of curses on my lips. Better yet, I'd prove my loyalty to Him, throwing myself at curses aimed His way, shielding His body with mine._

Rodolphus put down the letter, releasing the laughter trapped in his chest. For once, she hadn't gotten what she wanted.

 _Did you even fight in the final battle? If you didn't, you're a coward, and I hope you carry the shame of your actions and disloyalty to your grave. Rabastan told me you died during the Battle of the Seven Potters, but I don't believe him. No one found your body, and you've always been a fighter. If anyone can look Death in the face and live, it's you, and I suppose, in this strange way, I admire that about you._

Rodolphus quirked an eyebrow up, scrutinizing the words on the page. For the most part, they sounded like Bella, but the line of praise threw him for a loop.

 _By now, you're probably wondering why I've even bothered to take the time to write this to you when I hardly waste my breath on you when we're around each other. I need your help. There, I've admitted it._

 _Find her. Find her, Rod, and tell her about me. Tell her about Him. Tell her about us, and, if we don't make it, tell her His plans. Tell her about the greatness He envisioned, and do whatever you can to help her rise to the power. Help her claim the throne that is hers._

 _If you love me, which we both know you do, you will do this. Do this for me. Do this for her. Do this for us._

 _I need your commitment and strength, so don't mourn me anymore. Wipe away your tears. Avenge my death. Kill my murderer. Do whatever it takes, but do not feel sad for me, for I'm not sad. I've accomplished what I've wanted - I served as His right hand and bore him a daughter. What more can I want?_

 _If you're looking for an apology, you won't find it. We had a marriage in name only._

 _Did I care about you? Did I enjoy parts of our marriage? Yes, but I could never care about you the way you needed. No amount of time could have developed those feelings, so don't feel like you didn't try. All you ever did was try with your constant attention and affection, which I never wanted._

 _Find someone who loves you the way you loved me. She'll never compare to me, but maybe she'll come close enough. If she does, take it and run with it for you deserve love too._

 _Anyway, I'm running out of space, and I've written quite enough - all these things I'd never say to your face. So I leave you with this: I release you, Rodolphus. Let me go. I'm not asking you to forget me (you can't), but free yourself - don't let your sadness weigh you down and distract you from what you need to do._

 _And when she achieves her destiny and restores order to the world, take your rightful place beside her knowing that you've help her accomplished it._

 _Bellatrix_

Feeling lighter than he had in years, Rodolphus wiped away the last of his tears, squared his shoulders, folded the note and tucked it into the pocket of his jacket. He lifted the wedding picture to his lips and pressed a final kiss against hers.

 _She's always right._ Honestly, he knew early on that he'd invested too much time and emotion into their marriage, and that she'd never feel the same for him.

"I release you, too," he whispered to the picture, taking in her face on more time. "I will do as you've asked. _Always_."

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Word Count: 1586

Written for the following at Hogwarts:

Summer Seasonal Challenges:

\- International Widows Day: Write about a widow.

\- Colour Prompts: blue-green

\- Seasonlal Flowers Cosmos (title) - Feel No More (Feel No Less)

Writing Club:

\- Characters Appreciation #2 (location) Malfoy Manor.

\- Disney S4: Write about experiencing a sense of freedom the character hasn't had before.

\- Showtime 9. Everybody Say Yeah - (word) Destiny.

\- Amber's Attic 5. Last Sad Song: Write about someone learning to rise above their sadness.

\- Buttons: W4. filthy and C1. Bellatrix Lestrange

\- Em's Emporium 3. Ginny Weasley/Pansy Parkinson: Alt - write a post-war story.

Also submitted for:

\- The Insane House Challenge #369 (word) Comely (attractive).

\- #365 Prompt Challenge #189 (location) Malfoy Manor.

\- Resolutions Challenge #4 14/50 stories written in 2018.


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